A Landscape Designer Walks Into a Nursery: A Comedy in Three Acts

Act I: The Setup

I needed mulch. That was the plan. Mulch. A straightforward, boring, entirely predictable purchase. I walked into the nursery with a list. “Mulch.” One item. Simple.

Twenty minutes later, I was standing in front of a display of Japanese maples, holding a potted ‘Crimson Queen’ that I absolutely did not need, trying to justify the purchase to myself. “It's an investment,” I whispered. “It will appreciate the property value.” The tree was $250. The property value appreciation was imaginary. I bought it anyway.

Act II: The Escalation

The Japanese maple was just the beginning. Once you break the “I'm only here for mulch” seal, the floodgates open. A flat of ornamental grasses followed. Then a hydrangea. Then three bags of compost I didn't need. Then a set of pruning shears that cost more than my first car.

“Do you need a cart?” the nursery employee asked. I laughed. I clearly needed a cart. I had already built a small ecosystem. The cart arrived. I filled it. I kept filling it. At some point I bought a garden gnome. I do not even like garden gnomes. But this one looked at me with such hopeful little eyes. He came home with me. His name is Kevin.

Act III: The Denouement

The total at checkout was $743.52. For mulch. I had gone in for mulch. I left with mulch, a Japanese maple, ornamental grasses, a hydrangea, compost, pruning shears, four other plants I can't identify, and Kevin the garden gnome.

The mulch cost $29. The rest was theater.

I loaded my car with an efficiency born of shame, trying to avoid eye contact with the employee who had witnessed my transformation from mulch-seeker to plant-hoarder. I drove home in silence, wondering how I had let this happen again.

When I got home, I planted the Japanese maple in a spot I hadn't planned to put a Japanese maple. It looked beautiful. I don't regret it. I never learn.

Epilogue: I went back to the nursery last week. For birdseed. I came home with a dogwood, a new pair of gloves, and Kevin now has a friend named Susan. The birdseed was $11. The total was $364. I am a weak person. But my garden is beautiful.